For anyone who truly knows me, also knows that I am a fan of facial hair. Yes this can seem unusual, but it is just the way it is. As someone who notices all types of facial hair, I have noticed some unsettling trends. In order to stop this maddness of inappropriate facial hair growth I have decided to establish a rubric for what is and what is not acceptable in facial hair. So men please, for the sake of humanity, take my advice.
1. Mustaches
Unless you were born before 1969, you should not have a mustache. The only exception to this rule is mustache March, or even May, but with the full knowledge that once these months are over, the mustache is over as well. What is with the recent trend of young boys trying to pull off the stache? Are they just trying to be men? Well it's not working, it's unattractive, and just plain creepy. Please stop the mustache madness.
2. Goatees
Goatees are a source of confusion for many men, but let me make it simple for you. Dads are allowed to have goatees, but if you were born after the year 1980, then it's really pushing it. Unless someone has given you an honest compliment on your goatee, you should get rid of it. If you are trying to grow a goatee to feel younger or be alternative, then you would be better off purchasing a skateboard. Goatees will always be acceptable for riders of Harley Davidsons, and convicts.
3. Sideburns
Sideburns were cool in your junior year of high school, but now they are not, nor will they ever be again. A wise man once told me that the longer the sideburns, the longer it will take for a boy to grow up. I hold to this belief.
4. "Scruff"
As a general rule scruff is a positive thing. It is manly, attractive and says, "I am rugged yet handsome, I like puppies, and I recycle." However, this is not always a safe zone. If when trying to grow scruff it only grows on a certain part of your face, is patchy, or takes longer than two weeks to even show up, abandon your efforts. Also, don't let your scruff become unkempt, because scruff can go from rugged to lazy bum real fast.
5. Beards
Beards are good. Beards that resemble a prophet of old are bad. Beards that are trimmed are good. Beards that have food caught in them are bad. Beards that are full are good. Beards that have patches are bad. Beards that grow over your mouth or only on your neck, are also bad.
So men, please grow your facial hair respsonsibly. It may be on your face, but we all have to look at it.
